Balancing validation and assertiveness can be challenging when it comes to communicating effectively. A good example that requires this balance is making a request of somebody or saying no to a request made of us. A helpful skill to use when in this situation is known as DEARMAN, which stands for
Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce
(Stay) Mindful
Appear confident
Negotiate
If we are struggling with being assertive in our relationships and communication, we want to use the FAST skill.
Be Fair
No Apologies (Only apologize when it fits the facts)
Stick to your values
Be Truthful
If we are struggling with being aggressive or harsh in relationships, we want to use the GIVE skill
Be Gentle
Act Interested
Validate
Easy manner
These skills can be used depending on the priorities we have, such as self respect, relationships, and the objectives in our lives. If we want to reach an objective, we can use a DEARMAN, if we want to maintain our self respect, we want to use the FAST skill. Lastly, if we want to increase the closeness of our relationships, we want to use the GIVE skill. Mastering all three of these skills is a life long process and can be extremely beneficial for balancing validation and assertiveness in our relationships. In many cases, we may decide to use all 3 sets of skills!
Let’s practice! Imagine that you have an important work or school project due tomorrow, and your friend asks you to come over for support after a fight with their partner. You are feeling overwhelmed with the amount of work you still have to get done AND you want to support your friend without going over to their place.
DEARMAN to ask for what you want assertively:
Describe: “I’m sorry to hear about your fight; that sounds really difficult.”
Express: “I want to be there to support you, however, I’m feeling overwhelmed with a work/school project I have due tomorrow.”
Assert: “Let me support you over the phone tonight, then I can come over after school/work tomorrow.”
Reinforce: “I will be more supportive to you tomorrow when I can give you my undivided attention.”
(Stay) Mindful: When your friend responds, use broken record technique. For instance, if your friend says: “I’m really struggling and would love for you to come over.” And you could reply, “We can chat over the phone tonight and I can come over first thing after work/school tomorrow.”
Appear confident: Use a direct tone, no mumbling.
Negotiate: Be willing to compromise when appropriate. You are negotiating by offering a call tonight and visit tomorrow.
GIVE to keep and uphold relationship:
Be Gentle: Be kind, no judgment or yelling.
Act Interested: Listen when your friend is speaking/sharing.
Validate: “I know this is a really hard time and I am here for you.” “That sucks that you two are fighting.”
Easy manner: Be friendly, use humor, be pleasant.
Use FAST to stand up for your Self-Respect:
Be Fair: Be fair to yourself and the other person.
No Apologies. Only apologize when it fits the facts.
Stick to your values.
Be Truthful. Don’t lie or make false excuses.
For Example: “This work/school project is really important, otherwise I would come over tonight. I need to focus on this tonight and I will come over tomorrow to talk through it all with you.”
Practice writing out or rehearsing your own DEARMAN GIVE FAST the next time you want to balance asserting your needs with validation of the other person!
Written By,
James Watt, MA
DBT Program Clinician and Skills Facilitator
Photo Credit: Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
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